The Damsel With the Muddy Problem
by SunRyze
Summary: Ugh...this is an evil, ominous story with no real value, that should've been destroyed...but wasn't.
1. Chapter 1

_**T'was a bright and sunny day in Lhant—about 2 years after their big adventure. Asbel, Cheria, and Sophie are all living together in the Lhant family mansion. Captain Malik brought the windmill from that guy who's always out there staring at it. He now likes people to refer to him as "Captain Windmill"—don't ask me why. Hubert and Pascal live together in Duke Dalen's old mansion in Gralesyde. Richard, of course, is at Barona castle, where his rule is a sort of "gentle domination". Finally, Lambda works at the new Wal-Mart in Barona-(Yep, they even have a Wal-Mart on Ephinea!)—as a floor manager. His motto, "if you have time to lean, you have time to clean!"**_

* * *

Anywho, we move on to the usually quiet village of Lhant. And we approach the Lhant mansion, where there seems to be a bit of a commotion…

Sophie looks at Asbel and asks, "How long has she been IN there, Asbel?"

Asbel sighs and says, "Oh, I don't know, Sophie. But it HAS been a while. I CAN understand her situation though. I thought she was done about 10 minutes ago, but I heard her sit back down on the can."

Asbel knocks on the door gently, "Hey Cheria, you ok in there?"

A loud, ripping fart echoes throughout the stately bathroom before Cheria answers, "Ugh…NO! I'm NOT okay! My stomach…ooooh!"

Asbel and Sophie glance at each other and then they hear some slight whimpering and sniffling.

Sophie asks, "Cheria, are you…crying?"

Cheria replies, "Oooh…this is so embarrassing!"

Frustrated, Asbel says, "Look…Cheria—I TOLD you NOT to eat that roast beef sandwich! Hell, it was sitting out in the sun when SOMEONE forgot to bring it in from last night!"

Cheria replies, "Well EXCUUUUSE M for wanting to eat my sandwich! I just didn't want to waste it!"

Asbel replies, "Cheria, it had MAYONNAISE on it—you know damn WELL sun and mayo don't mix!"

Cheria can be heard audibly crying at this point and Asbel just winces and places his hands on his temples and starts rubbing them in a circular motion while taking deep breaths, as Sophie rubs his back and walks him back downstairs.

* * *

_**About 30 minutes later…**_

Cheria wipes the tears of embarrassment from her eyes as she reaches for the toilet paper. She wipes, checks, and grimaces as she leans over and throws the soiled paper in the toilet. This continues until she's no longer seeing any…residue on her tissues. She gets up, flushes, and steps into the shower for a quick wash-up. Afterwards, she dries off and heads downstairs—and in a MUCH better mood, at that.

She enters Asbel's study and he looks up and says, "Hey baby, you ok now?"

Cheria smiles and twirls around happily. She dances over to Asbel and sits on his lap, putting her arms around his neck. She finally replies, "Aaaahhh…I'm doing faaaabulous, Asbel!"

Asbel gives her a quick peck on the lips and replies, "Ah…THAT'S my girl!"

Cheria says, "Oh, If you need me, I'm going to be in the bedroom!"

"Ok Cheria. See ya'!"

Cheria prances happily to her bedroom, feeling about 10 pounds lighter on her feet. She plops down on her bed, feels some residual gas building up and, before blast-off, she looks around to see if the coast is clear and it IS. Sh lifts up a thigh and cuts one right on her bed. She giggles to herself momentarily.

She reaches for her perfume, spritzes it in the air a couple times, and gets her favorite magazine and starts reading it. After a few minutes, something odd occurs. She grimaces a little and starts sniffling around her vicinity.

She mumbles to herself, "Whaaaat the—Why does it smell like…poo?" She knew she farted a short while ago, but that should've cleared by now, not to mention, she could still smell the perfume in the air.

She starts to lean forward and her bookmark falls in between her ankles onto the floor. She bends over and smells…

Her eyes widen to the size of dinner saucers. She realizes that it's her that…smells. Immediately, she feels embarrassed because if she could smell it, she knew Asbel could likely smell her, as close as she was to him. She slides over to her dresser and realizes something mid-slide…

As she's sliding, she feels a soft dampness and she could feel her cheeks not "gripping" the bedsheets like they should. She could feel them literally "gliding" across with a smelly dampness that she didn't want to think about. Getting that ready-to-cry-from-total-embarrassment-feeling inside, she called Asbel's study.

Asbel picked up the phone, "Um, hello?"

Cheria softly replied, "Um…baby, could you come here? I think I may have a problem."

Asbel replies, "Ok, I'll be right there, Cheria!"

Asbel darts out of his study and zooms upstairs, kicking the bedroom door open dramatically, in the process.

Cheria jumps slightly and rolls her eyes, "Asbel, what'd I tell you about kicking the doors open? This is our 5th door this month!"

"Sorry Cheria, I just wanted to make a hero's entrance for you, baby!"

Cheria rolls her eyes, "Whatever. Anyway, I think I have a major problem on hand."

Asbel panicked, asks, "Oh no…you're not…PREGNANT, are you?"

Cheria, "No, it's even worse! I think…I think I may have swamp ass."

Asbel's eyes grew big as he glanced at Cheria's stomach and then back at her terrified eyes. Asbel thinks to himself, _"Damn…not this. Not like this! I gotta' call Captain Malik!"_

Asbel nods and says, "Ok, Cheria, stay right here, I'm getting Captain Malik! HE'LL know what to do about this!"

Cheria's stomach starts growling again and she says, "Oooh, hurry Asbel!"

So Asbel darts out of the mansion and into the spaceship and flies it only two doors down to Malik's windmill. He figures it beats walking.

He explains the situation to Malik and he replies, "Swamp ass? Damnit Asbel, if this is true, we can't waste any time! Let's go see Cheria!"

* * *

So they hop aboard the ship and fly over to the mansion. They teleport into Cheria and Asbel's room where Cheria frantically explains her symptoms to Malik, who's stroking his chin while taking all the information in.

After a few minutes, Asbel asks, "So what about it, Captain?"

Malik takes a breath and says, "Hmm…it definitely sounds like a classic case of Swamp-ass, indeed. We'll have to act quickly! Mainly because it stinks in here, dude. By the way, Asbel, did you know that in some regions of our world, they call this condition 'mud-butt'?"

Asbel glanced downward, "Really Captain? 'mud-butt'?"

Malik replies, "Yep…in fact I had a terrible case years back—I remember it like it was yesterday—I had a chicken kabob from a street vendor in Zavhert. It tasted kind of…off, but I was hungry, so I kept eating it. About 10 minutes later, my stomach started growling and that was all she wrote-I couldn't find a stall fast enough. To this DAY they won't allow me to use the restroom at their inn."

Cheria replies, "Wow Captain, you've been through a lot! But, can you pleeeease go and get something to help me with this?"

"Okay young lady, we're on our way! Come on, everyone, let's go!"

Sophie, Asbel, Malik, and Cheria all board the spaceship.

Asbel asks, "Everybody have their seat belts on? Ok then, here we go!"

The ship lifts up into the sky and Malik says, "Ok Asbel, we're headed for Barona. We have to see King Richard, urgently!"

"Awwww, damn…do we HAVE to see him?"

Forcefully, the Captain replies, "YES, we do!"

Asbel whines, "But he…he always tries to hit on me!"

Malik sighs and says, "Get a HOLD of yourself, Asbel! It only works in YOUR favor that our king is gay for you!"

Sophie replies, "Yes Asbel, it can only help Cheria! Besides, King Richard is the only one that knows where the treasure chest for the mud-butt remedy is located! We HAVE to go see him!"

Asbel glances at Cheria with a somber look in his eyes. He sees Cheria doubled over in pain, clutching her stomach. He puts the ship on auto-pilot and walks over to her and strokes her lovely red hair.

He says softly, "Hang in there, Cheria. I love you, and we'll get your medicine and you'll be right as rain!"

Cheria looked up at Asbel and gave him a weak smile.

Malik stokes his chin (like always) and asks Cheria, "By the way Cheria—what did you do with the offending sandwich? I mean, you threw it away, right?"

Cheria furrows her brow and gently replies, "Well, um…I left it on the dining room table, but when I went to throw it away, it was gone."

At the potential urgency of this NEW situation, Malik and Asbel immediately lock eyes. Cheria looks at the both of them and asks, "You don't think that someone—"

Malik strokes his chin and says, "Yes, I'm afraid so, Cheria. SOMEONE just MAY have eaten that sandwich! And by now, it's likely deadly."

Sophie raises an eyebrow and asks, "Dude…seriously? With a BITE already taken out of it?"

Everyone looks at Malik and he just awkwardly says, "Well…um, uh…It can HAPPEN!"

Cheria shakes her head and says, "UN-BE-LIEVABLE!"

* * *

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

_**Ok, press "start", let's continue…**_

* * *

Asbel turns to Malik and asks, "So, you're sure King Richard knows where this remedy is?"

Malik replies, "Absolutely! We have to go see him because the treasure chest is said to be hidden in what's known as the 'royal stash.'"

The cabin goes quiet, when suddenly, a growling can be heard. Everyone turns to Cheria as she hurriedly sprints back to the restroom and jump-kicks the door open as if she were Jackie Chan.

A couple seconds pass and the crew can hear the noise emanating from the restroom area, as it is quite small back there and the walls are relatively thin. Sophie pinches her nose and says, "Asbel, is Cheria going to be ok?"

Asbel grimaces from the smell—which has ALREADY made its way into the cabin—and replies, "Yes, we HAVE to believe that, Sophie! Isn't that right, Captain?"

Malik replies, "Indeed Asbel. Damn—do we have any SPRAY in here? It sounds like someone dumping a…a…fucking bucketload of coins into a fountain, or something. UGH!"

Asbel sighs and says, "Yes, I know, I know. Cheria's gonna' have to burn those panties after this is over!"

The cabin goes quiet again and Cheria can be heard whimpering, courtesy of the not-so-great acoustics in the bathroom, "OOOOOH….MUUUUUUD BUUUUUUUTT! DAMN YOU, MUD-BUTT! UGH!"

Asbel says, "Guys, we have to hurry!"

So Sophie puts the pedal to the metal, so to say, and they high-tail it toward Barona and Richard's castle.

* * *

_**Meanwhile, at the castle…**_

Richard is looking in his royal crystal ball and he sees Asbel and company headed for his castle. He jumps up from his throne and says, "Guards! My little Asbel is on his way! Quick, get my 'special robe'."

One guard asks, "Your SPECIAL one, King Richard? Are you sure? Lord Asbel doesn't seem to be interested in you like that, you know?"

Richard shoots an angry expression toward the guard and replies, "WHAT did I tell you about calling me 'King Richard'—you are to CALL me 'King DICK'! Now get going and get my robe!"

The guards hurriedly bowed and stumbled over each other as they went to go get Richard's robe.

A few moments later, they returned with it and put it on the King, who was ass-naked in his throne room, anxiously awaiting Asbel.

Suddenly, Asbel and company materialize in the throne room. Richard stands up with a big smile and runs toward Asbel and gives him a gentle hug.

Asbel, a bit taken aback, says, "Uh…Richard! What are you—"

Richard cuts him off, "—oh Asbel, so very nice to see you! Do you like my new robe? I had it made just for you!"

Cheria whispers to Sophie, "I HATE when he does this! OOOH!"

Sophie looks at Richard, blinks twice, and asks, "Uh, Richard, why are you wearing a see-through robe? And…what's that little thingie dangling below your tummy?"

Richard smiles and points, "Oh? Dost thou liketh the royal cocketh?'

Cheria interrupts and says, "—Uh, Sophie…not now, sweetheart, Asbel and Richard have some business to discuss."

Malik, always the thinker, bows and says, "Your highness, we have a request to ask of you."

Richard finally lets go of Asbel and turns to Malik, "Malik, you're looking good these days. I see that age hasn't stopped you one bit!"

Malik smirks and replies, "Ah, thank you sire—the women still can't resist me! Ahahahaaa!"

Richard smiles and asks, "Sophie, Cheria, how are you two today—you both look as stunning as ever! Please forgive my tumescence-but my excitement has caused this to happen."

Cheria nervously glances down and then away from Richard's not-so-flaccid nether-region.

Richard approaches Cheria to give her a hug, and, seeing his butt-nekedness through the robe, just offers her hand, instead. Richard smiles sheepishly at first, but grimaces a bit afterward.

Richard asks, "Hey, what's that smell? Why does it smell like turds in my royal throne room?'

Asbel tries to keep a straight face and asks, "Well, that's why we're here. Cheria has been afflicted with a terrible condition."

Richard looks at Cheria and says, "Hmm…what could be wrong? She's not paralyzed, poisoned, confused, or stoned—well she got pretty stoned at the royal ball on New Years, eh guys?"

Malik and Asbel started laughing a little. Malik says, "Damn, that WAS some good fire that night! Cheria over there was lit the fuck UP!"

The guys shared a liittle laugh as Cheria just blushed, smiling to herself.

Richard calms down, "Ok, ok, ok…hahahaha…What's up with Cheria, here?"

Malik replies, "Well, Cheria here has a case of swamp-ass."

Richard's eyes grow big in concern and fear for Cheria. He says, "Oh…oh my god—that's TERRIBLE, Cheria!"

Asbel says, "Well, we come to you to find out where the treasure chest for the swamp-ass remedy is."

Richard, "Oh that? Well…I-I'm sorry to say that I had to use it myself last week. Yes, my royal ass-cheeks weren't immune to the terrible, smelly, and humiliating tragedy some call mud-butt."

Asbel covered his mouth with his hands in shock. Asbel asked, "Richard…NO!"

Richard lowered his head and sighed. He said, "Yes, it was just last week. I had ordered my guards to pick me up a happy meal from the…IDIOTS who work at the McDonald's in Oul Raye. I ordered a Quarter Pounder with cheese with mayo, right? Ok well I'm hungry and I finish my sandwich in a hurry. About 20 minutes later, my stomach started bubbling and I just kept doo-dooing! Damnit, I went EVERYWHERE! I should've SUED those bastards, but I put them on notice that I'm giving them another chance because I LIKE McDonald's!"

Malik replies, "Wow…sire, I'm sorry to hear that."

Richard leans forward on his throne and asks, "Do you know how AGONIZING it is to keep wiping and wiping yourself? You wipe, look at your tissue and see doo-doo. You wipe AGAIN, you see doo-doo. You wipe again—yep, doo-doo AGAIN! And all you wind up with is a mountain of toilet tissue big enough to clog even the toughest of toilets. That icky, mushy, slick and slippery feeling you get in your drawers when mud-butt sets in—it's disgusting!"

Cheria, frustrated and embarrassed speaks up, "Yeah, and-and you never feel like you're really CLEAN…eww, I hate this!"

Richard says, "Cheria, my heart does go out to you. I know of the embarrassment and torture you're going through."

Sophie chimes in, "So, where's the stuff? Since you had to use the remedy in the hidden treasure chest, how can we cure poor Cheria. Her stomach is growling like an angry doggie and-phew, she's funky!."

Cheria yells, "SOPHIE!"

Richard says, "Well, I'm not sure. I know thy just built a Wal-Mart here in Barona. You can check there. Other than that, perhaps you should seek out your nerdy, but still very attractive younger brother."

Asbel's eyes light up. He says, "Hey, that's a great Idea, Richard! Thanks!"

Richard asks, "Hey Asbel. Wanna' have a picnic up by the tree? You know—at Lhant Hill…where we first…met?

Asbel glances at Malik, who turns away quickly and starts whistling. Cheria sees what's happening, so she decides to "make her sickness be known". She exclaims, "OOOOH…my stomach! We gotta' GO, Asbel!"

Richard sees this and says, "Guards, please walk Ms. Cheria to her shuttle. Malik, Asbel, Sophie—help her…please."

Malik bows and says, "Aye, your highness. Ok, Asbel, Sophie—let's move on toward Wal-Mart!"

So our heroes make a mad dash toward the shuttle and set the coordinates (YES, in the same city) for Wal-Mart.

* * *

_**To be continued…simply because I know you all can't quite get enough of this, here.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Yep, here we go again…**_

* * *

The gang arrives at the Windor Wal-Mart. Malik turns to the group and says, "Ok, you guys wait here, I'll go in and see if I can find the stuff we need."

Sophie hurriedly puts her arm in front of him, effectively stopping him.

Asbel asks, "Hey Sophie, what are you doing?"

Sophie lowers her head and glances up at Asbel and Malik. She replies, "If anyone should go in THERE—it's ME! Lambda is my former arch-rival and floor manager in this place. If anyone should deal with him, I shall!"

Malik and Asbel glance at each other and shrug as Sophie makes her way in between them, storming out of the ship.

Sophie leaves and Asbel just shrugs and says, "Well, what can ya' do?"

* * *

_**Meanwhile, in the Walmart front office…**_

Behind a wooden desk with a bunch of papers on it sits a swirl of black and red energy—who happens to be wearing a powder blue shirt, a burgundy and navy-striped tie, and beige khakis...with his name tag.

Lambda mutters, "Hmm…if I schedule everything just right, I should have just enough coverage for one register-out of all 30 of them. The store will be nice and crowded—JUST how I like it!"

He smiles evilly to himself and chuckles a little. He says, "Hahaaaa! All those people, they shall all realize my true power when they're all waiting in one line because I'm just NOT going to open any more registers that night, MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

_Suddenly…_

"HEEEEEEEEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAH!" The office door flies open as Sophie spin-kicks her way over toward Lambda's desk.

Startled, Lambda stands up from his seat. He says, "Protos Heis! What do YOU want?!"

Sophie points and says, "Lambda, where's the remedy for mud-butt? I KNOW you have it! Now GIVE it to me!"

Lambda sits back down and chuckles to himself, "Hmmhmmhmmm…you always DID know how to make an entrance, Protos Heis! But I have some sad news—I'm all out of the formula you need."

Sophie's eyes narrow and she asks, "Are you lying to me, Lambda? Don't MAKE me shove my foot up your ass!"

Lambda answers, "Huh…whatever—look, if you wanna' find that formula, you need to get a hold of Asbel's brother. Now, will there be anything else? No? Then you may take your leave…Protos HEIS!"

Sophie says, "You haven't seen the last of ME, Lambda! I'll be back!"

Lambda replies, "Oh good—we have crock-pots going on sale next week! Tell your friends!"

Sophie replies, "Oh SWEET! Yeah, I'll tell them."

"Bye Protos!"

"See ya', Lambs!"

Sophie runs back out to the ship and gets in.

Cheria, still clutching her stomach, asks, "Any luck?'

Sophie replies, "Nope, we have to go see Hubert and Pascal."

Asbel answers, "Ok, so be it, then. Let's head off to Gralesyde!"

* * *

So, the ship shoots on over to Gralesyde. The crew lands and heads for Duke Dalen's former mansion—now occupied by Hubert and Pascal.

They approach the door and Asbel rings the doorbell.

Cheria weakly says, "Oooh…I hope they're home!"

A cheery voice behind the door can be heard, _"Just a miiiinuuuute!"_

The door opens and Pascal smiles big, saying, "Heeeeey what's up gang?" What brings you this way?"

Asbel explains, "Well, we were hoping you and Hubert had the cure for swamp-ass."

Pascal covers her mouth in terror, "Oh my…who has it?"

Everytone turns and looks at Cheria, who's blushing furiously.

Pascal says, "Oh no…Cheria, that's terrible. Swamp ass is a HORRIBLE disease-How'd this happen?"

Malik folds his arms, sighs, and says, "Roast beef with mayo left out in the sun too long, Cheria tried to eat it, she now has a poopy slip-n-slide in her panties."

Cheria exclaims, "Hey, Captain Malik!"

Malik says, "What? I was only telling the truth."

Sophie says, "Yeah, but you could've been NICER about it, Captain."

Asbel sighs and asks, "Hey, is Hubert in?"

"Sure, I'll call him…hold on."

Pascal walks to the foot of the staircase and yells, "EH, LI'L BRO! BIG BRO'S HERE T'SEE YA'!"

A few moments later, Hubert comes downstairs. He approaches the group and asks, "Hey guys, what's with the crowd?"

Pascal chimes in, "Hey li'l bro, Cheria here's got mud-butt!"

Hubert replies, "Ugh. Oh, I'm so SORRY, Cheria. What can I do to help you with this?"

Asbel says, "Funny you should ask, really. We heard that you might could help us out in finding the antidote."

Hubert strokes his chin and his eyes widen as a thought crosses his mind. He snaps his fingers and says, "I know EXACTLY where the antidote is, but…"

Malik asks, "Well…what, Hubert?"

Hubert hangs his head and says, "Well…you'll have to fight for it."

Asbel, showing his brevity, declares, "We'll fight ANYBODY, ANYtime, ANYwhere! Just let me at him! Let MEEEEE AT'M!"

Hubert replies, "But Asbel, I'm telling you, it's not THAT simple, I'm afraid—"

Asbel, still high on testosterone, cuts Hubert off, "—WI don't care WHO he is! Let me at'm! I'll FIGHT for MY woman! I'll swim the deepest ocean, I'll climb the HIGHEST mountain, I'll stick my head in a beehive, if I have to, I'll wrestle a great white shark, I'll—"

Pascal cuts him off and calmly says, "Youuuu…have to get it from a violet scorpion in the uncharted sandstretch."

Everyone turns to Asbel, who's frozen in mid-rant, and whose eyes have grown quite large.

Malik asks, "So, uh…Asbel. Still ready to fight?"

Asbel swallows hard, as if he's swallowing peanut butter. He shakily replies, "U-Umm…you know, all of a sudden, I don't feel so well."

Malik speaks up, "Snap out of it, Asbel! What did I teach you at the Knight Academy?"

Asbel timidly answers, "Uh, Th-that L-Lady Victoria's bra size is a 40D?"

Malik smacks Asbel in the back of the head, "NO, you idiot! The OTHER thing I taught you-I told you to always be prepared for battle and never let your enemies see fear in you!"

Asbel takes a deep, determined breath and says, "You know? You're RIGHT, Captain! We're gonna' whoop those scorpions and, Cheria baby—you're gonna' be cured! HUZZZAH!"

Sophie agrees, "Asbel's right! We hafta' go and whoop some scorpion ASS!"

Cheria, shocked exclaims, "SOPHIE! Where'd you learn to speak like that?"

Malik turns around quickly and just starts whistling while his hands are in his pockets. Cheria's eyes narrow as she glares at Malik momentarily. Malik turns to her and just shrugs.

Hubert says, "My GOD, Asbel's right! We gotta' fight!"

Pascal, seizing the opportunity continues, "We gotta' FIGHT…for our RIGHT…to PAAAAAAARRRRTAAAAAAAAYYYY!"

Hubert looks at Pascal with a low-brow expression and says, "Shut up, Pascal."

* * *

So the group all head for the unforgiving and arid terrain known as the uncharted sandstretch.

As they start to land, they see 3 violet scorpions playing poker together. They all get out of the ship and Asbel takes a deep breath. Cheria clenches her stomach as it growls rather loudly. She lets out a little yelp.

Hubert says, "It'll be ok, Cheria, just hang on a little bit longer! Those Scorpions up there look like they're…playing poker?"

Asbel turns to Pascal and asks, "Hey Pascal, did the ancient Amarcians get mud-butt a lot?"

Pascal raises an eyebrow and asks, "What kind of question is that? I don't know. I …GUESS."

Asbel rolls his eyes, "C'mon, you know what I mean—are there any Amarcian secrets to dealing with this?"

Pascal replies, "Well, I haven't heard of any, no."

Malik says, "wait up, wait up…you mean to tell us that you can tell us all the ins and outs of Ancient Amarcian caves and habits and culture, but you can't tell us how they dealt with swamp-ass?"

Pascal explains, "Well, for one, the ancient Amarcians never HAD the TERRIBLE affliction of swamp-ass, and second, it was because they used to have a SUPER absorbent type of toilet tissue, the only problem with it was that it worked TOO good."

Sophie asks, "It worked 'too good'?"

Pascal nods, "Yep, it'd always leave little balled-up pieces of toilet tissue hanging all over their posteriors. We Amarcians were known for our hairy asses."

Just then, Asbel curls his upper lip and looks at Hubert, who immediately smiles sheepishly and blushes.

Asbell shakes his head and says, "We have to move on, let's go."

The group approaches the scorpions. One scorpion says, "Eh man, hit me."

Another scorpion does just that. The one scorpions says, "No, you moron—I meant give me another card!"

The dealing scorpion chuckles loudly as the group approaches.

Cheria elbows Asbel, beckoning him to speak up.

Asbel clears his throat and asks, "Hey you scorpions, do you have any mud-butt antidote?"

The scorpions stop what they're doing and one of them says, "Yeah, we have it. Would you like some?"

Asbel, wide-eyed says, "Wh-why of course, thanks!"

The second scorpion's filing his nails and he says, "Well, you can have some—if you're willing to…"

And all the scorpions say together, "…PRESS…YOUR…LUUUUUUUCK!"

All of a sudden, Asbel and the crew are in front of a live studio audience and another violet scrorpion comes out in a suit and tie. He grabs a microphone and says, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF PRESS-YOUR-LUUUCK. OUR CONTESTANT TODAY HAILS FROM—Hey where you from, kid?"

"Uh, Lhant"

The scorpion continues, "LHANT VILLAGE! HE'S HERE TO WIN THE ANTIDOTE FOR HIS LOVE, WHO HAS BEEN AFFLICTED BY A TERRIBLE DISEASE…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CAN I GET A CHEER FOR MUUUUUUUD-BUUUUUUTT!"

The audience goes crazy!

Suddenly an electronic board with constantly changing prizes and whammies appears around Asbel's face. A buzzer rises up out of the ground and the board starts beeping and booping.

Asbel smiles as Malik and the crew cheer him on the sidelines.

Asbel says, c'mon, c'mon, big money, big money, no whammies, STOP!"

"Congratulations, you just won 500 dollars! Care to spin again?"

Asbel turns to the audience, "Yeah, I'll go again—c'mon, big bucks, big bucks, big bucks, no whammies—STOP!"

And so, this farce goes on for a few more rounds, until finally, Asbel wins the antidote. The scorpion host says, "Don't leave yet, Asbel, your grand prize will be displayed up on the screen!"

The scorpions, the audience, Asbel and his crew all face upward towards the mountain range in the distance. After staring in silence for a few minutes, Asbel mutters to the group, "Uh, guys…let's get outta' here."

Asbel and his group trot off and hurry back to the spaceship as the scorpions and the live audience continue to stare toward the horizon.

* * *

…_**yep, STILL more of this to come.**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Ok, last chappie…put a quarter in, press "play".**_

* * *

_Our heroes are on their way back to Lhant Village aboard the skyship…_

Asbel turns to Cheria and says, "Ok, we have the remedy, Cheria. Here, read the instructions and take the medicine."

Cheria grabs the bottle, turns it over, and reads, "Hmm…take only after a bowel movement."

Suddenly, Cheria's stomach starts rumbling.

Pascal says, "Well damn, that's not gonna' be hard."

Hubert turns to Pascal and says, "Pascal, could you at least TRY to be a little more sensitive?"

Pascal shrugs and asks, "Daaaaamn, what'd I say?"

Asbel says, "Nevermind, how are you feeling, Cheria?"

Cheria replies, "Oh, I'll be fine once I get this medicine in me. Now, let's see…what does this bottle say about—oh…wow…"

Asbel asks, "What's wrong, Cheria?"

Cheria points and reads, "Well, it says here that I'm to…well…use the bathroom—for lack of a better term—and then I'm to take this medication at the very spot that my…uh, condition…took hold."

Suddenly, Cheria starts twitching and squirming in her seat a bit.

Sophie asks, "Hey, what's wrong, Cheria?"

Cheria starts squirming a bit more urgently at this time.

Cheria replies, "Ugh…it…fuckin' ITCHES! MMMPH!"

Malik's eyes widen for a moment and he says, "Oh no…it seems that her condition has started to ADVANCE!"

Asbel, looking apologetically at his lady love, asks, "Wha…what do you mean, Captain?"

Malik folds his arms and sighs, "Well, I'm afraid that she's reached the advanced stages of swamp ass. This is when you start to develop an itch in your butt—this is actually a SUB-condition known as 'athlete's butt'"

Sophie asks, "'Athlete's…butt'? Captain, what's 'athlete's butt'?"

Malik strokes his chin and replies, "Well Sophie, remember when Asbel here caught that case of athlete's FOOT a while back?"

Sophie nods and Malik continues, "Well, this condition is similar to that. Your butt itches, you scratch it, yet it keeps itching, all the while, you're pretty much relegated to either digging in your ass in public or squirming around in your chair, trying to keep people from seeing you scratch your ass. Either way, it's an ungracious affair. "

Hubert chimes in, "Yes…your—your butt still has that GREASY feel to it and NOW, on top of that, it itches!"

Malik continues, "Not just that, but it'll KEEP itching—you keep scratching and it'll start to get sore and start burning a little, yet at the SAME time, still be itching like crazy—hence the name 'athlete's butt'. Oh, and DO be careful when scratching—that moisture you feel back there ISN'T sweat, you know. So we can't waste ANY time!"

Sophie and Hubert look at each other and cringe.

Asbel gently puts his arm around Cheria, trying to console her. Cheria can smell herself, she whispers to Asbel, "Asbel sweetie, am I EVER gonna' get rid of this? I-I mean, I KNOW you can smell me and I've just about used up my flower-scented perfume. I smell like a…a sunflower that someone took a crap on!"

"Baby, of COURSE you will! I SWEAR to you! We have the medicine right HERE! And no, you DON'T stink! I love you, Cheria, through thick and thin."

Hubert nods and adds, "Yes, Cheria—through good and bad!"

Sophie says, "Through disappointment and happiness!"

Pascal cheerfully says, "Yep—and through regularity and constipation!"

Just then, everyone looked at Pascal, shaking their heads.

Pascal blinked twice and asked, "Well it IS the truth, you know."

Asbel continues, "Well, you know what I mean, Cheria. I LOVE you and I'd NEVER let ANYTHING keep you down!"

Cheria smiles back at Asbel, and looks at everyone with a renewed sense of encouragement.

She says, "Oh THANK you, everybody! Now I KNOW that, with you guys supporting me, along with my OWN will to survive this condition—I KNOW I'll make it! You guys are the GREATEST!"

Sophie says, "It's nothing, Cheria. We're ALL here for you!"

Cheria hugs Sophie and Sophie turns her head away and grimaces slightly because of Cheria's "aroma".

Asbel smiles and proudly says, "All right, everyone! Let's head for my mansion! Cheria will take a dump and THEN the medicine…and Frederick will cook us a wonderful meal in celebration of Cheria's victory! Mud-butt will HAVE no victory here!"

Cheria just flutters her eyes in utter adoration of her husband Asbel, standing proud and tall as the ship races toward Lhant village.

A few moments later, the group reaches Lhant and they all congregate in the study as Cheria makes a bee-line for the facilities, remedy bottle-in-hand, yet effectively crop-dusting the entire staircase along the way.

Just as Cheria slammed the door, Frederick just finished cleaning the guest room. He started up the stairs and grimaced as he pulled out some air freshener from the inside of his tuxedo jacket and sprayed it around generously.

"What in HEAVENS…" He mutters to himself as he continues up the stairs.

* * *

_About 25 minutes later, in the study…_

Asbel says, "Man…I hope she's ok in there. It's been almost a half-HOUR!"

Malki says, "Asbel, these things take time. She'll be just fine. She has to wipe, VERY likely shower, take that medicine, and ultimately burn those panties."

Hubert asks, "Wow…are you sure, Captain Malik—er, I meanCaptain WINDMILL?"

Malik nods and says, "Hm…that's BETTER. Anyway-yes, she's had those panties on all day—trust me, they've GOT to be looking like hot wing paper by now."

Everyone just says, "EEEEEEWWWWW! CAPTAIN MALIK!"

Malik just shrugs and smirks a little.

* * *

_So…about 20 MORE minutes pass…_

A flushing can finally be heard in the distance. Asbel's eyes light up in excitement and anticipation. He checks his watch and says, "Damn, it's been damn near an HOUR!"

Sophie asks, "Hey Asbel, do you think Cheria might need some help?"

Pascal interjects, "Well, you can help her in any way you want, EXCEPT—she has to down the medicine herself. She has to take that journey alone."

Malik nods and says, "Pascal's right, you mustn't interfere or else the medicine won't take effect."

Asbel and Hubert glance at each other in slight disbelief. That's when Asbel's phone rings. He goes to pick it up…

"Uh Hello, Lhant residence?"

"Hey Asbel, it's me."

Asbel points to the receiver and mouths to the others that it's Cheria before quickly resuming the call.

The other look at Asbel in anticipation of good news.

Asbel nods and says, "Ok, I'll be up in a second!"

Malik starts to stop him, "No you mustn't interfere—"

Asbel replies, "It's cool, Captain! She just needs me to help her get off the toilet stool. Her legs fell asleep and she can't feel ANYTHING below her waist. I'll be right back!"

Asbel hurries out of the study and upstairs. Sophie says, "Wow…Asbel's so brave."

Pascal nods and replies, "Yeah totally—to endure the SMELL that's sure to blast him in the face likely even before he opens the door!"

_10 minutes pass…_

Asbel walks back into the study. Malik asks, "So? What's the word?"

Asbel replies, "She's up there washing up and she's taking the medicine right afterwards."

Hubert says, "Did she seem ok when you were up there, Asbel?"

Asbel says, "Yeah, she says she was really looking forward to ending this—oh, and she had me throw away her panties, as well. I had to use a ruler to hang them on—hell, I threw them AND the ruler away."

_The group shares a little laugh as a few more minutes pass…_

Cheria then walks into the study, twirling around in a new dress and smelling of soap and perfume!

Sophie smiles and runs up to Sophie and gives her a big hug.

Sophie says, "Wow, Cheria, you smell so good! You look like a new person!"

And, yeah—everybody shares a compliment. Afterwards, Cheria holds up the remedy bottle and smiles. She proudly says, "I feel like a natural woman! I feel…beautiful again! And I smell like a human BEING again! WOOHOO!"

Asbel kisses Cheria and says, "Baby, I'm so glad that's over. I HATED seeing you so miserable."

Cheria looks at Asbel and the others and says, "I never could've done it without YOU guys! I love you ALL!"

So they all share a biiig group hug, and just as they're hugging, Frederick walks in and says, "Lord Asbel, dinner is served!"

Asbel says, "Ok guys, let's eat!"

So they all head for the stately dining room and sing "for she's a jolly good fellow", all the while toasting with wine and laughing, all because of Cheria's victory over the humiliation, agony, and smelliness of "swamp ass".

* * *

_However, in the kitchen…_

Frederick and his crew were cleaning the kitchen and washing dishes as the din from the dining room took over the background. He passes by a nicely-stacked sandwich sitting on the counter.

Frederick glances around and refocuses his attention on the sandwich. He mutters to himself, "Ye GODS I'm hungry. Oh, and it's roast BEEF, too! Now, why would someone just take one bite out of it and just leave it sit like this?"

Frederick reaches in the drawer and pulls out a knife and cuts off the section with the bite mark on it. He licks his lips and opens his mouth, taking a HUGE bite out of the sandwich. He says, "Mmm…this is absolutely DELICIO—"

His words cut off by the immediate painful rumbling in his stomach.

"Ooooooh…no."

He darts out of the kitchen, grabs his spray can, and runs with it upstairs and slams the bathroom door behind himself.

Sophie sees this and asks, "Why was he in such a hurry?"

All of a sudden, Malik and Asbel look at each other and their eyes get big. Malik asks, "Remember when Cheria couldn't find her roast beef sandwich earlier?"

Hubert, ever the quick one replies, "I think we know who just may have found it."

Cheria's eyes were starting to well up with tears, "GRAMPA' NOOOO! Oh Asbel, I should've been there to stop him! I should've BEEN there! What kind of granddaughter am I to have LET this happen to him? Besides, I've ALWAYS told him to stop EATING after other people!"

Asbel hugs Cheria as she cries in his arms. Asbel and the others just look at one another with concerned expressions on their faces.

After about 5 minutes of that, Pascal finally speaks, "So uh…when do we leave for the uncharted sandstretch?"

Just then, Malik, Hubert, and Sophie just sigh and faint.

* * *

_The end?_


End file.
